is march over yet?

this is an email i just sent to my friend jenny. afterwards, i thought, well..that is basically a journal entry. why not post it?

my stomach hurts. my chin itches. my eyes are sleepy and my brain is tired of worrying about what to eat or not eat because it's going to make me fat or make me not feel good.

i cannot find music to walk down the asile to. i cannot think of what food we will have or how we will prepare enough for as many guests as we are having. i cannot decide if i should call ridgeway and have them do flowers for the cake, or if i should just take out the separaters and let the cakes sit on top of each other. i cannot decide whether the flowers girls hair should be up, down, or half way up and half way down. i do not know how i am going to get a large bedroom painted, all of my furniture, clothes and junk moved in before michael comes home on friday evening. how will i have my old bedroom and bathroom clean and clean my whole house before people get here this weekend. how will i then clean it again after people are gone and before michael's family gets here on tuesday?

i am mad that i planned to have all of the thank you cards done before the wedding and at this point, i cant even remember who sent something in the mail after the showers...

i am wondering how i will plan lessons for next week and the week after spring break when i cannot even think about what my kids are doing for the next five minutes without thinking about the wedding and things not yet marked off the list. i am tired of worrying about money and knowing i will have to spend more before this wedding is all over.

i am really tired about having to think about all of this while 20 little rugrats run around being mean to each other and tattle-telling on each other. can't they just get a long for two weeks?!? can they please not flock around my desk and follow me everywhere for just 10 seconds. please, someone stop them from cramming their papers in my face and interrupting each other and me while i am speaking to someone else!

yes, spring break is coming, and thank God for that. once that week is here, i will be married, the wedding will be over, the money waterfall will slow a little from my bank account and i will only have about 2 months left of school. my life will also be much better when march is over.

too bad it hasn't even begun...

it gives me hope

as a teacher, you have to be prepared to be the emotional support for some children.

it broke my heart when a couple of months ago one of my students cried all day because her parents were getting a divorce. it was a very hard time for me as a teacher. to be the right support and say the right things to help in any way possible. it was a lot of responsibility, but hey, that's what i signed up for.

that particular student is doing well. she knows her parents both love her and i think for the most part they are doing a pretty good job handling the situation for their kids.

well, today i am speaking with another student, emily. emily is wonderful. she is a reader, she does everything right, all the time. she is very sweet. in fact, during stations today i was watching a pair at their table as they were trying to work through an argument about a pencil. the boy was crying and the girl kept explaining why she picked up the pencil that lay on a different table and didn't think it was his. during the exchange, emily walked by, saw the boy crying and asked what was wrong. as the girl explained about the pencil, emily calmly walked over to the pencil can where 24 exact pencil replicas sat. she picked up a pencil, walked back to the table and handed it to the boy. such a problem solver! while two kids can't move past who should have a pencil, she just adds another pencil to the bunch. now they each have one. wow!

emily happens to live down the street from me and i was asking her today if she had figured out which house was mine. she explained that she had not and was not staying at her house right now. i was a little scared when i asked why. she looked away and then began her sentence,

"well...my parents...they are..."

my heart started beating a million miles a minute. i could just feel the tears pooling in my eyes. i could not imagine any pain on another of my students. i couldn't imagine any pain on emily.

"well...my parents..they are...they are celebrating their anniversary in mexico together."

what?!

wow. people who stay together and have a good time with each other. i am happy to find that there are more and more couples out there who have been married, have children and will still take off of work to celebrate their anniversary with each other on a fantastic get-a-way.

it makes me even happier to marry the man i love and have a wonderful future with him.

it gives me hope.

ahhh

"Its just that I am so in love with you before our wedding."

Emailed February 27, 2007 at 9:20 am. Sent by Michael Kotze 11 days before our wedding.

Fabulous.

anticipation...

does that make you want to start singing the song? well, good. i hope it's stuck in your head all day too!

i am just so excited! i can't wait for this weekend. my wonderful friends are planning yet another wonderful thing for my wedding.

its my lingerie shower, followed by my bachelorette party. we're good girls, so don't expect anything too wild. we're just gonna hang out like friends do and have some good, old-fashioned girl time.

the thing is, no one really surprises me. i mean really surprises me. but my friends are doing a pretty darn good job. i knew absolutely nothing about my bridal shower. well, bits and pieces, and just enough to have me totally intrigued. i was so excited for like two weeks just waiting to walk into the room and see what they had done. it was beautiful and so perfectly me. now, i am just as excited about the shower coming up this weekend!

my cousin amy, who is also a bridesmaid, called me yesterday and told me how much fun i was going to have. that just makes me even more excited and i can't wait!!! i know that jenny sent out an email to the bridesmaids and said, "here is what we have left, what would you like to volunteer for?" she told me yesterday that she is very excited because she feels like everyone volunteered for things they will do a great job at! those are my friends...perfectly creative and awesome!

the anticipation for this fun filled, girl time is almost too much for me to handle! but it is so fun!

bring it on, anticipation, im ready for you!

lonely.

it's monday. there is only one really bad thing about mondays.

michael has to be back in san antonio for work on mondays.

i hate it. we've lived this way, apart during the week, for 1 1/2 years. we're both sick of it. the problem is, it's gonna continue at least 3 more months.

i finally get used to him being gone by wednesday. thursday, i miss him again. friday, he comes home and we start all over with a million things to do. we dont get any rest and we stay up late because we aren't ready to leave each other. by the time monday morning gets here, neither of us can really wake up prepared for work.

we aren't the kind of couple that likes to spend a lot of time apart. we just have fun together and enjoy being together. i guess that's a good thing since we are planning on getting married in 12 days.

yes, you read it right. 12 days. im just too tired to be excited about that right now.

i just called michael with nothing to say. he said: babe, you always get miserable when i'm in san antonio. uh...yup. it just makes life a lot harder when he's gone.

i love michael with my whole heart. he makes me so happy. he is my best friend. he is my life.

i dont think i've ever been this miserably happy in my life...

who can ask this of me?

this isn't fair. it's not fair, i tell you.

my parents left last night for the metroplex where they will be having meetings on saturday morning. where do you think they stayed last night?

you got it.

ellie's.

it's funny how everything changes when a sweet baby enters the picture. dont' get me wrong, i've always been insanely jealous when the rest of my family is together without me; but now...now it's way worse.

yes, landon and sarah still live there. but ellie lives there now and that makes it different. completely different. it makes it ellie's.

i called this morning to make sure my mom knew to pick up the bridesmaid's dresses (which are finally here and will be fabulous) and what do you know...my dad was holding the baby. he actually rubbed it in before telling me that he kissed her sweet head for me.

jerk.

you want to know love? know your wonderful brother's baby girl. she will make you love more than you thought possible.

i know when i have my own children i will love them with an undescribable love, but i am not there yet. for now...

i will bask in the joy that is my love for ellie.

the never-ending.

how, i ask you, can one list continue on and on and on?!

remember what i said yesterday? cross one thing off your list and you will be more motivated to complete the rest.

yeah, well...that's a pile of honkey.

my list has yet to motivate me towards anything, except my bed. i am too busy completing taks and adding new ones to even think about what i have marked off. besides, everytime there is a task completed, another pops up and demands to be added to "the list". i don't know if it is supposed to work this way.

i'll have to ask the expert...michael.

exciting errand of the day?

returns.

yes, returns. i did most of my registering online and was sadly disappointed when most of my stuff didn't seem to be what i had pictured it to be. if there is one annoying thing about me, it is that i like things pretty much perfect. unfortunately, all of this stuff...wasn't perfect. this was my second "returns" trip and i was determined to get it done today.

it took forever but it is actually over and...it feels pretty good. that it's over. it feels good that the "returns" trip which has been taunting me from my future bedroom floor for a month, is finally over.

now...

God said, "Let there be light, and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. God called the light "day," and the darkness He called "night."...

it's days like this that i truly realize His brilliance. He created the perfect time for sleep. thank you my wonderful God.

good night...

it's just love.

i can't help how much i love her.

all i can think about is how she smells and how she feels when she cuddles on my shoulder.

God really did a wonderful thing when he decided to give people nieces. she is so wonderfully sweet and i miss her...a lot.

i don't know how i will be able to live 4.5 hours away from her for the rest of her life.

she is coming to san angelo with her lovely mommy next weekend, march 2nd. that is the day before my lingerie shower.

i can't wait.

i know she is going to be so much bigger. i will cherish every minute i get to spend with this precious little girl.

miss henry and mr. henry

my last name right now is henry. it's a fabulous name and i love it. it is also very simple for my first graders to say. i have been a little worried that my new name, kotze, would be hard for them to get the hang of. i finally have a solution:

i was just looking through my pictures and happened to be on this one. one of my sweet girls, tammy was at my desk watching. another student walked up and asked who those people were...uh, wow! (and i am supposed to teach these children how to read?)

tammy said, "that is miss henry and her fiance. right?" right.

another tiny tot walks over, takes a look at the picture and proudly states...

"miss henry and mr. henry."

that's right. who said he couldn't take my name anyway?

exhuasted

errands. errands. errands.

michael said, "make yourself a list and everytime you get something done, mark it off. that will make you feel more motivated to complete the other things on the list." well, i did that. i have the "list" as referred to in my last blog, and it's just down right annoying. i feel sorry for the "list". it didn't ask to be an annoyance to anyone. it hasn't done anything wrong. it is however, a constant reminder of things not yet accomplished. and that...is annoying.

i left my house this morning at 7:15 am. i returned at 8:30 pm. i wore my slacks and heels the entire 13 hours. my feet are killing me.

i was so tired, i actually sped to get home. i sped...on glenna st.

if you've ever lived in or traveled to san angelo, you have probably heard about glenna st. it's the street that runs right by the soccer fields. it seems like a mini-loop where the speed limit should be about 55 mph. especially the section you turn onto from the actual loop. the speed limit is actually 35 mph. well, in this little area, always sits a cop. watching. waiting. dying to make your day, the day from hell.

yup-i sped down that street. lucky for me, the police officers of this wonderful city were interested in another trap tonight. i got home without a ticket.

i had to run one more errand after i got home, so i finally got my pj's on about 15 minutes ago.

i have now satisfied my addiction of posting on my brand new blog (thanks to my friend jenny!), and am ready for bed.

i am certain exhuasted sleep will come quickly.

overwhelmed.

17 days.

that is all that is left of my single life. i am thrilled!

as most girls do, i have been dreaming of this my entire life. i have always wanted someone else's last name. but i have always loved my own last name.

it is a torn heart that wants to hold on to my family's last name and also readily accept my husband's name. i am ready for the change.

my new niece, Ellie, was born last tuesday and on our trip home, i realized that i was days away from being married. since that realization hit, my brain has been continuously revolving around the list that had for so long lodged itself somewhere in the abyss of my mind. i am overwhelmed to say the least. it feels like i have a million things left to do, but when i make out the threatening "To Do" list, it is, surprisingly, not that long. the only conclusion:

tragedy.

"what have i forgotten? did i do that? what about this? where is the list i made 5 months ago? where is the wedding folder of ideas that i have been collecting for years? what left-out detail is going to come back to haunt me on march 10?"

it's scary i tell you. just plain scary.

are you prepared for the roller coaster. you're at the front of the line...

beautiful.

have you ever, in your life seen anything more beautiful than this?

Elizabeth Claire Henry. Ellie. my niece. she was born on Tuesday, February 13th at 8:37 am. i cried that day as i sat in my 1st grade classroom thinking about that sweet little thing being born 4.5 hours away from me. everyone was there. well, almost everyone.

everyone except me.

by thursday afternoon, i could take it no longer. my fiance, michael, booked a flight for me, and i called in sick on friday. i had to see my precious little niece.

my wonderful sister (in-law), sarah, had explained to everyone that there would be hours of uninterrupted time for aunt kylah and ellie. i walked in her nursery, where everyone was staring at her, and fell deeply in love.

for the next 3 days, i held her, changed her diaper, watched her, smelled her and sugared her.

she is perfect. absolutely perfect.

my brother and his wife did a fabulous job.

and i, for one, am thankful for it.