a second chance visit

the day after michael david was born, jenny drove to san antonio to see us. i had been feeling pretty good all day, until about 30 minutes before she arrived. a wave of pain came over me and i couldn't even focus on life. i had already requested pain medication and the nurse came in about ten minutes later with a shot. i was pretty quickly knocked out. it was the weirdest feeling in the world. michael or jenny would say something that i would respond to. immediately i couldn't remember if they actually said what i thought they'd said. i also couldn't remember if i'd answered a question they'd asked out loud or only in my head. i vaguely remember brief glimpses of jenny holding the baby in the incredibly dark hospital room, swaying back and forth. she headed back to san angelo 2 hours after she got there. she didn't get a single picture. i felt so terrible.

however, this weekend, jenny came in again for a second chance visit and it was much better. this visit had actually been planned for about a month. she knew she probably wouldn't be able to come and i'd have tons of family here so she pre-scheduled a visit with baby boy. i'm so glad she came!

he was quite smitten with my pretty friend. he stared at her for quite some time...

she stared at him too.

i think she kinda likes him... :)

things are gonna be a lot different around here...

mom left today.

that says it all. she's been here for two weeks and i've enjoyed every single minute of it. she made the labor, delivery, hospital stay and coming home transition so much easier. i can't tell you all that she did for us.

besides the continuous cooking, cleaning and company, she was just here. her knowledge and caring were more than i could have asked for. just having her here to help me know what to do made everything better. she reminded us every night before she went upstairs to call her if we needed her, she was ready to do her walk if needed. there were two mornings around 6:30 michael got up with the baby and she came down not long after and took over. she was the perfect picture of motherhood while she was here. what an amazing mamo she is.

i don't think i had to get a single thing for myself while she was here. there were a few times i did get myself something to drink, but man...that's about it. she made every meal, every snack. she washed every dish and wiped the counters after each meal. she made a couple of trips to the store and even cleaned my entire house last night before bed. after the 3rd time of me telling her to sit down and not work so hard she hugged me and said, "i just don't want you to have to do anything once i'm gone. you just love that baby."

it was as hard for her to leave this morning as it was for me to watch her go. she had to tug michael david's hand from her shirt. he didn't want her to leave either. we both cried and i'm crying again now just thinking about it. it's gonna be hard without her being near. i tried to get her to move in. i think she actually thought about it for a second. i know she's excited to get back today and see ellie and gray. 2 weeks is a long time for her to go without seeing them. plus-we're going to san angelo on thursday. hopefully we'll all be able to make it these next 4 1/2 days without each other.

i love you, marme. you are absolutely more than anyone could ever ask for. thank you so much for giving up two weeks of your life to stay with michael, the baby and i. it would have never been the same without you here. these two weeks are something i will treasure forever. i love you so much-jo

whatever works, right?

michael got baby calmed down again with a new, soft blanket and a sit on the front porch. when we came inside, michael laid him in the rocker. what a cutie...

it's been a rough one...

today has been tough.

other than about 1.5 hour stint where michael david and i both took a nap, he's been crying. he'll be happy for a few minutes and then start crying. poor guy must have a little tummy ache. we had hot dogs for supper last night and that's all i can think this could be. is chili, in fact, the culprit?

as i write this, however, he is content in his daddy's arms listening to his soft, calm voice. oh, wait...nevermind.

i've tried everything. Jesus, help us...

school daze...

"it's the first day of school." - my first thought (well, maybe 2nd) on monday morning. each day since then, i've declared the second and third days of school.

i'm loving being home and i'm sure i wouldn't be able to go back to work right now even if i really, really wanted to. however, i must admit that i might be missing it just a bit. i think about rosemary at steubing running her classroom with ease. joanna and linda at lamar with their kids totally in love with them. sarah, jenny and crystal changing the lives of those big giant kids that are just too cool. all of my sweet teacher friends getting into the swing of things...completely exhausted by this point in the first week of school. tomorrow morning will be the hardest morning to get out of bed for them this week. it might be the hardest morning for me too...my son loves to sleep...during the day.

anyway, while i am in my own sort of haze right now, i can't help but thinking of what it would be like to be in my own, sweet school daze.

in one week...

you have stolen our hearts, michael david. i can't believe you have been here, in my arms, for an entire week today. but then again, have i ever lived a day without you?


you are a beautiful child who likes to scream instead of cry. in fact, you made yourself hoarse on our 2nd night home. you hate to be naked. you hate a dirty diaper. you hate to have your diaper changed. HATE IT. you don't like baths. you don't like loud noises. you don't like to be out of your swaddle. you, we have figured, are quite particular about your life so far.

you love the sound of your daddy's voice and will quiet as he speaks in your ear. you like the way i hold you on my shoulder and pat your bottom as you sleep. you are getting better and better at life with each day that passes. you are especially cute when you lay on your boppy, curled into my tummy as you nurse. you keep your hands in fists right under your chin. you are a cuddler and love to bury your face in mamo's neck when she holds you. you also give the cutest little shiver right before you sneeze. :) i love the smiles that often grace your face as you sleep. you are my angel.

happy one week old birthday, baby boy. mama loves you.

nothin' like the smell of a clean baby...sigh...

the other night, michael david had his first sponge bath.

he hated it. :)

you can't see his face, but you can see his cute, skinny body and i love it!

daddy consoling while mommy makes him mad. he does love his daddy.

mamo washing michael's sweet baby hair while mommy keeps him wrapped nice and warm in his towel.

sweet, clean, quiet boy.

not so quiet anymore...he hates being undressed, but he hates getting dressed too. we made him mad again when we put on his pj's. look at that sweet foot!

the drama filled birthday of michael david

don't you find the most important posts to be the most difficult to write?

tuesday morning 1am - my first contraction hit. i started timing them for awhile and then just decided to sleep instead of worry. i was going to the hospital shortly anyway. i kept waking with my contractions for the duration of the morning and was already awake when my alarm went off at 5:30. i got up and started getting ready. i found mom and told her that i'd been having contractions and spotting and she was so excited. she'd been praying i'd go into labor on my own. i called the hospital at 6am as directed by my doctor. the nurse told me that they were a little full, to stay home and call again at 7. i explain that i'd been having contractions and spotting and she kindly and excitedly said, "well, come on in sweetie. you're in labor!"

we all finished getting ready and then mom, dad, michael and myself stood in the kitchen, held hands and prayed. we prayed for a quick labor, relatively free of crazy nervous emotions. we prayed for safety. we took a couple of funny pictures, loaded in the car and headed out.

big ol' pregnant belly

big ol' pregnant belly and daddy

7am - we arrive at the hospital and get all checked in. i am introduced to the most wonderful nurse this world has ever known, chellee. she was WONDERFUL. she took such great care of me and was always so sweet and informative to my family and any questions they had. she definitely made the process more easy to handle. she starts my pitocin drip on a very low setting and the day keeps rolling along.

8:10am - dr largoza arrives to check on me and breaks my water. it was the most painful part of the entire day. dad and michael had just left the room to grab a quick breakfast so chellee searched for my hand under the sheet and kindly said, "just squeeze my hand." i didn't think i'd need to, but i think i ended up breaking 3 fingers.

9am - my epidural arrives. i was most nervous about this part of the day. i hate needles. the nurse, millie, was amazing. i just wrapped my arms around her as she whispered in my ear. she told me exactly what to expect and what to do to help control the pains coming and going. she translated my mumblings to the anesthesiologist. it was as close to hugging my mom as it could have been. millie made that needle stick and restick bearable.

from that point on, through the rest of the day, i mostly slept while mom, dad, michael and eventually, sarah chatted.

7pm - i had been at 9.5 cm for a long time. chellee and dr. largoza decide that i will start to push so that dr. largoza can move the rest of my cervix behind the baby's head. i got through 4 rounds of pushing when his heartbeat starts to decelerate. his heart rate had been absolutely perfect all day. chellee even commented on how it was so rare to not have a single decel in a baby's heart rate throughout an entire labor. anyway, they stopped my pushing and stopped the pitocin drip. his heart rate kept dropping. dr. largoza started stating orders. nurses started running everywhere and my family and i stared in shock. dad, mom, and sarah (she surprised me by coming in about 3pm) stood in the corner watching nervously. michael rubbed the hair off my head and i started hugging everyone goodbye. no one could speak. i didn't cry until my mom came over. after we hugged, i turned on my side as tears poured down my face all the way to the O.R.

with nurses and doctors still running everywhere, i was given a spinal through my epidural catheter. the sheet was set up around my face and michael brought in to sit with me. about 5 mins later dr. largoza said, "stand up, daddy. see your baby!" michael stood and then looked down at me with tears in his eyes. baby boy started crying and after a quick gasp, i started crying too.

he was brought around the curtain to see me and all i could think was, "good Lord, that is a freakin' big kid." he weighed in at 9 lbs 1 oz and stretched out to a good 21.5 inches long. dr. largoza says that he saved me from 3 hours of pushing because i probably would've ended up in surgery anyway. he just wasn't fitting. michael held him until they finished with my surgery and finally wheeled me back to my room. the family came in to see me and the baby and everyone was smiles again.

i've been in some pretty incredibly pain in the past few days, but i've never been happier. michael david jules kotze is the best thing that's ever happened to me. he's the best thing that's ever happened to his daddy too. you should see them together. it is the sweetest thing ever. i cry just thinking about it.

i now have my own labor story, and while it's not the one i would've chosen, it's one i'll gladly take to be able to take my son too. what an incredible gift. thank you, jesus, for a healthy baby here safe and secure.

i love you, michael david. you are my life.

the next time...

• i post, i'll be a mom.
• i bathe in my bathtub, my tummy will no longer hold a baby.
• i sit at this table, my family will be 3...no longer 2.
• any of my friends or family see me, they won't really see me...they'll only have eyes for my son.
• michael and i get in the car together, it will be the last time we get in alone...for a long, long time.
• i eat something, it will be because i've just been through labor and delivered a child. an actual human child. mine and michael's child. whoa.
• my husband holds a baby, it will be his own. finally. and i will cry.
• we sleep in our bed, after tonight, a baby will sleep in the room with us.
• i fall deeply in love...will be some time tomorrow...

baby boy-
daddy and i have waited a long time for you. we are anxious to meet you and hold you and love you. we are praying for your safe arrival tomorrow. be careful as you make your way here. i will do everything within my power to make sure it's as easy as possible for you. :) once you're here, our lives will be like nothing we've ever imagined. we love you so very much. see you tomorrow!
-mama

i got nothing

i want to post something. say something.

i got nothing.

sorry bacca-

no baby on the 13th.

happy anniversary

it is a rare thing to be part of a family that is still together in this day and age. my parents made a commitment long ago that no matter what, they were in it for the long haul. i appreciate that more than i can ever convey.

32 years of marriage.

mom and dad-
i love you both so much. landon, matt and i appreciate all of your hard work throughout your marriage. thank you for showing us the importance of sticking it out, loving and laughing. you've set a wonderful example for each of us to follow with our own spouses. i hope you have a wonderful day and celebrate it as you should. it's a major accomplishment! :)

love you bunches,
jo

what's-his-name choices

as you well remember, we haven't had the best luck with choosing names for baby boy in the past, oh...39 weeks or so. :)

a few weeks ago, michael and i decided we would each choose 5 names and then narrow down a list from there. we've also chosen that we won't finally decide on his name until we meet him. i mean, we've waited this long, what's a few more days?

so, i think we have a list of 4 to choose from. feel free to give your opinions, as long as none of them are negative...:)

michael daniel jules kotze junior - MDJK

jackson david jules kotze - JDJK

nathan daniel jules kotze - NDJK

luke henry jules kotze - LHJK

quotes to make the day

• "still at a one and 70%. i'm surprised you haven't made any progress at all..." -doctor
  
• "shall we schedule an induction for next tuesday?" -doctor
  
• "is baby boy getting here this week?" "so they're going to induce you next tuesday?" -uncle mattie
• "now you can say your little boy will be here no later than tuesday! which just stinks for us here. :(" -crystal
• "ahh shucks!" -amy
• "come on baby come on!" - amy
• "baby o baby...where o where can you be?" -pa
• "come to see you pa...right now." -pa
• "come on baby. come on." -pa

two nights in a row, i've dreamt i was in labor. each time i had a contraction in my dream, i woke up. i tried to concentrate to see if i was really in pain, and i honestly thought i was. when i finally got up in the morning, it felt like something i could have imagined. could i have been too groggy and made up the pain? i don't think so.

at our appt today i told the doctor that the baby had seemed to slow down in the past couple of days. he's still getting all of his movements in during the 2 hour allotment, he's just much more quiet than normal. to make sure everything was fine, she put me in a recliner and plugged me onto the fetal monitor. we measured the baby's heartbeat and my contractions for about 45 minutes. i was fairly uncomfortable in the room. i had several big-time contractions in my back and was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and irritable.

when the doc finally came in to check she said the baby looked great and had "woken up". she followed that up with, "you've been having contractions, mama. have you felt those?" uh...yeah. she said i could go into labor before tuesday, after all, but made sure our induction was still scheduled for tuesday morning, august 18th, 7am. all that means...

"well, now we know no later than a week!! :)" -seph

ride...secure

baby boy's carseat has just been securely installed in my backseat, along with a mirror on the backseat so i can see straight into his sleeping, gentle face. cause that's all i'll ever see...right? right?! no crying when i can't reach his pacifier. no screaming when he's hungry and we're miles from home. no fussiness without a toy in sight. just a sweet, smiling face staring back at his mama.

yeah. sure.

on an unrelated note, i found the BEST milkshake on the face of the planet a few days ago. well, actually, michael found it. there is a new burger joint around the corner from our house. we were both craving a milkshake and i chose to get mine from sonic. chocolate milkshake...nothing better. that was until michael walked out of willie's with his. it was ridiculously delicious. sonic's milkshake kinda sat there as we drank the most perfect combination of vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup. yummy! so glad i didn't find that earlier in this God-forsaken, heat-induced summer.

happy birthday, boy wonder

(sprinkle of grace photo)

happy birthday, my sweet grayson!

i can't believe you're already ONE YEAR OLD! i'm sorry i won't be able to be there for your first bday party, but i'm working on bringing your cousin into this world safely and i would hate to mess up your party if something happened while i was there!

you have made me such a proud aunt. i am in love with your sweet, laid-back personality. you are the cuddliest thing in the world and that makes your entire family extremely happy. we love to fight over you! :) your beautiful blue eyes and oh-so-genuine smile make us all giddy with glee. i love you so much and hope you are having a wonderful bday today. uncle mike and i will see you soon and miss you terribly.

love you bunches and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
jojo

mommy and baby hang out

melissa taught kinder at my school last year. she gave birth to her first baby boy, jude, in february and also decided to take this next year off. lucky for me, she has several friends with new babies and even one expecting 2 weeks after me.

a few weeks ago, she started this little group of mom's getting together to hang out. i've made it the past two thursdays and it's so nice. everyone is so laid-back and figuring things out together. i think it's gonna be really great when baby boy arrives and things have settled down. i'll have somewhere to go and hang out with people who know how i'll be feeling. thank you, Jesus!

right before we left today, alli said she'd host next week. she also mentioned that she would be making carrot cake for our enjoyment. carrot cake is my absolute favorite dessert in the entire universe. i'm still hoping i won't be able to make it! :) they did promise, though, that if i couldn't make it due to a certain someone's arrival, they would bring me a piece of cake! yahoo!

sounds like the best of both worlds to me!

don't get your hopes up...

the to-do list didn't really have anything to do with an amazing amount of energy or a dire need to get everything done today. i don't feel like i'm nesting at all. although, i've never been through nesting, so i couldn't really say for certain.

i just had that nagging feeling i usually do when i'm needing to get some cleaning done.

sorry if i got anyone excited without due cause. :(

unless, of course, some of you nested like this. if so, be sure and comment because that will get my hopes up! :)

plan for the day

and yes...i'm just coming up with this plan at 3:40 pm.

• clean kitchen
• sweep and mop all tile floors
• clean our closet
• start, finish and put away all laundry
• paint the brown stripes and finish off nursery (when michael gets home, of course)
• vacuum

if a baby happens to come because of too much work...bring it on...

update: kitchen clean, floors swept and mopped, vacuuming all done. haven't started the laundry or nursery. 9:11pm

sleep

and plenty of it...for now.

yesterday i slept until 11:45am.

this morning...noon.

both mornings i woke because of a phone call or text message. thank goodness for those. otherwise i may have slept all day.

i don't feel guilty. i'm happy to get it in while i can. i know once the baby is here sleep will be a luxury.

baby! come out!

38 week dr.'s appt held no major surprises.

my doctor is on vacation this week so i met with one of her partners. after looking at my chart and everything, she predicted a 7.5 lb baby boy. i could do with one less lb when this kid is born, but...who really knows.

i am beginning to progress a little more each week, so that's something! the doctor said that if we so choose, she would gladly schedule us for an induction thurs or fri of next week. whoa! it kind of scared me more than excited me! :) i mean, don't get me wrong, i'm ready to have this kid and stop waddling around everywhere, but whoa...scary. michael and i decided we would wait for our appt next week and see how things are going before we decide. if baby boy doesn't want to wait that long, then so be it! i'd be happy to have him sooner without planning it. :)

of course, i am not saying that i will not schedule to be induced at some point...just not this point.

and...i'm sorry that all my posts seem to be about pregnancy right now. such is life.

wanna show you something...

disclaimer: no products were moved during the photography for this post.

i'm still pregnant

at 38 weeks pregnant, i am more than ready to be done. yes, i'm uncomfortable but i've moved on from that. now, i'm just ready for the anxiety to be over with.

for the past two weeks, i've wondered what labor will be like. i've had plenty of friends have plenty of babies. i've heard a million labor stories. it's so different when it's your turn. i just worry about what it will be like, how bad it will hurt, how i'll react to it. i don't want to get to the hospital and be sent home but i don't want to have the baby in the car on the way either. i'm sure that won't happen but when you have no idea what to expect, everything seems like a possibility.

we had our birthing classes this week and that may have made things even worse. i think michael may understand a little more about what will happen so that's good. at one point during a video, he looked over at me completely serious and said, "i love you...". sweet man. i almost smacked him. :)

on thursday night, i started feeling a few light contractions. they didn't continue long or settle into a pattern. there were only a few and then they stopped. it was a little exciting. and super scary.

i'm just ready to be done with the worrying and anxiety over labor. i know when the baby comes, it will still be there but it will be about him...not about how to get him here.

i just have to remember to keep praying and relax. hopefully i can do that.